As Darwin argued, evolution must take its course. It is, however, with much regret that we have to report the grave danger to yet another European species. This creature once roamed throughout Europe in vast numbers; it was reputed that during its frequent migrations herds were seen to stretch “as far as the eye could see”.    Formerly one of the most common species in the UK, it is now under a real threat of extinction here. Its exact origin is unknown, but it bred rapidly throughout the period of the British Empire (which provided an ideal habitat). Once it had crossed the channel, it rapidly colonised vast areas for France and the Low Countries (where the population level remains largely healthy).

However, since the importation of management babble into public services, numbers have been steadily declining; now, the British public servant is nearly extinct, a source of much regret to us all. After all, the public servant was noted for its low cost and relative dedication to its task (his or her very ethos was founded upon the notion of serving others in a philanthropic way). The demise of the public servant can be traced to two main causes.

First, the creature seems to experience management babble as a catastrophic source of confusion and conflict. In the UK, the volume and intensity of management babble stressed the creature so badly that some underwent a genetic mutation, becoming intensely competitive and demanding; effectively morphing into a new species of ‘uncivil servants’ and managers, who began to demand higher and higher salaries and completely lost their philanthropic values. Other herds seemed to retain their ethos, but became so depressed and lethargic that they were stampeded, lemming-like, over nearby cliffs by the mutated group in order to pay for the mutants’ higher salaries.

The second cause was more external. After the last economic crash, many herds were converted into sausage meat in order to alleviate the predicted banker’s famine (which sadly never materialised).

The public servant will be sorely missed by most taxpayers, though probably not by those who have flourished in the new ecology. Such is life.

Note: as many ecological terms have been widely misrepresented, some relevant terms will now be defined:

“THE GREENHOUSE EFFECT”: the system of central heating proposed for public buildings in the 2014 budget.

“THE OZONE LAYER”: proposed 2015 formula for civil services pay rises, in which rises became proportional to the square of the gross income (with reductions for those below average).

“THE GREEN PARTY”: a group or species attempting to struggle on against a hostile environment.  (Green may refer to naivety or their sick-looking appearance).

“ADMINISTRATOR”: a defunct term once used to refer to underpaid public servants. Once viewed with disdain, now remembered with great affection.

“EXECUTIVE STRESS”: stress brought on by an abundance of executives in the environment (a new killer disease).

“WHITE PAPER”: usually, a job creation scheme for accountants and computer operators, whose herds are now taking over the vacated territories.


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